Extract from Women Rising: The forces that hold us back, the tools to help us rise, by Megan Dalla-Camina.
The leadership challenge
Despite research showing that a more empathetic and inclusive leadership style is desirable, the leadership landscape has been slow to change. In 2012, John Gerzema and Michael D’Antonio, in their book The Athena Doctrine, found that 66 per cent of people of different ages, genders and cultures believed that the world would be a better place if men thought more like women, embodying what they (and other researchers) define as feminine traits in their leadership style (more on this on page 306). However, the leadership we see from those in power still hasn’t caught up, and women are the ones who pay the highest price for old modes of thinking and behaviour when it’s their turn to lead or are on the rocky path to get the opportunity to do so.
Take a moment to observe the leaders in your workplace or in broader political and societal contexts. What traits do they exhibit? If you look at the style, language and behaviour of these leaders,what do you see? Whilst leadership, like workplace culture, is slowly changing, the definition of a successful leader looks largely the same as it did decades ago.
The characteristics that define the ideal leader are still coded as masculine, traits like being ambitious, self-reliant, decisive, assertive, competent, directive. Women who aspire to leadership find themselves under pressure to embody these traits so they can fit that ideal leader model and be seen as competent and capable leaders.
But herein lies the conflict.
Women are caught in a tangled web of expectations and gender stereotypes. They’re expected to be strong, assertive, and decisive — qualities traditionally associated with men and leadership — however, when they are, they are often labelled as ‘aggressive’ or ‘bossy’, terms with negative connotations that are rarely used to describe men in similar positions. On the other hand, if women display characteristics stereotypically associated with femininity, such as empathy, compassion or vulnerability, they risk being seen as ‘soft’ or ‘weak’ and unsuitable for leadership roles.
This dilemma creates an almost impossible balancing act for women: they must be assertive without being too direct, show empathy without appearing weak, be confident without being aggressive. The list of expectations and contradictions is extensive, and women often feel that no matter what they do, they can’t win. Catalyst, a global non-profit with a mission to create workplaces that work for women, illustrates the deeply entrenched double bind that women must navigate: ‘Damned if you do. Doomed if you don’t. Too soft, too strong, never just right.’
These societal expectations place an enormous and deeply felt burden on women. They feel they must constantly monitor and adjust, to conform to what’s considered ‘acceptable’ leadership behaviour. This continuous self-censorship interferes with their ability to lead authentically, resulting in stress, self-doubt and frustration. It also limits their potential to fully leverage their unique leadership skills and prevents organisations from accessing all of their talents.
This paradox often forces women into a binary choice: either conform to the established leadership model and do it like it has always been done (you know, lead like a man) or defy it to lead authentically and risk backlash or miss out on opportunities altogether.
Women also grapple with the paradox of competence versus liability, known as the ‘likability penalty’, which we talked about in the Confidence Paradox on page 23, which shows that women can be competent or likeable, but rarely both. When women demonstrate competence and assertiveness, essential traits for leaders, they’re often perceived as less likeable. However, when they exhibit warmth, compassion and kindness, they’re seen as likeable, but less competent.
This double bind further perpetuates the Leadership Paradox, constraining women’s effectiveness as leaders, and affecting how they feel about leadership. It also leads women to alter their authentic style to conform to the perceived ‘right way’ to lead. It leaves many women feeling like they must choose between being respected or liked at work, a choice men are seldom faced with.
Carly Fiorina, the former CEO of Hewlett-Packard, described it this way:
In the chat rooms around Silicon Valley, from the time I arrived until long after I left HP, I was routinely referred to as either a ‘bimbo’ or a ‘bitch’ — too soft or too hard, and presumptuous, besides.
Joan C. Williams, Distinguished Professor of Law and Founding Director of the Center for WorkLife Law at the University of California, Hastings College of the Law, observes that despite women entering male domains decades ago, societal expectations remain. Over 40 years of research shows ‘good women’ are seen as helpful and community-focused, while ‘ideal men’ are direct and ambitious, traits expected from leaders in business and politics. When women display masculine qualities essential for leadership, they risk being seen not only as bad women but also as bad people. Therefore, savvy women learn to use masculine traits to establish competency while doing so in a feminine way to avoid backlash.
Williams states that this places a heavy burden on women and raises the success bar for them. For men to be successful, they only need to master masculine-coded traits. For women to be successful, they need to master both masculine and feminine traits in a way that doesn’t place them in the double bind of likeability versus competence. This is work that men don’t have to do and adds yet another barrier for women to succeed in leadership.
We need to urgently shift how we perceive and evaluate leadership. By breaking the mould, we can redefine what excellence in leadership looks like, in all its diversity. It invites organisations to dismantle ingrained patriarchal structures that restrict and alienate, replacing them with practices that encourage and acknowledge the strength in diversity.
In the face of the Leadership Paradox, we need to be saying, ‘We want you to lead, exactly as you are’, and to be following the path of authenticity and integrity shown by Jacinda Ardern, the former prime minister of New Zealand. Ardern was known for her inclusive and compassionate leadership style while she was in office.
She once said: ‘You can carve your own path, be your own kind of leader. We do need to create a new generation of leadership.’ She also spoke out about conformity to outdated modes of leadership behaviour.
One of the criticisms I’ve faced over the years is that I’m not aggressive enough or assertive enough, or maybe somehow, because I’m empathetic, it means I’m weak. I totally rebel against that. I refuse to believe that you cannot be both compassionate and strong.
She challenged the traditional models of leadership that often value masculine traits over feminine ones and showed that empathy and strength can coexist. Her example continues to inspire many women and young people to aspire to leadership positions without conforming to stereotypes or expectations, and it’s a model that we need to be spreading like wildfire.
Reflection questions
- Reflect on your leadership style, regardless of your role or level (as we are all leaders). What are your beliefs and core values that shape your approach to leadership? What few words would you use to describe your leadership style?
- Have you ever observed or personally experienced gender biases or gendered expectations like the double bind in your workplace? How have they influenced your thoughts on your leadership behaviours or decisions?
- When you look at the best leaders in your workplace, what leadership traits would you use to describe them? When you look at the worst leaders, what traits would you use to describe them? How does the style of more senior leaders impact your ambition to be a leader?
This was an extract from the book, Women Rising: The forces that hold us back, the tools to help us rise (Wiley, RRP $34.95) by award-winning women’s leadership and empowerment expert and best-selling author, Megan Dalla-Camina.